Home > I'm Just Saying... > In Response to “let’s just raise our kids right”

In Response to “let’s just raise our kids right”

Hey Chris!  You’re comments were so thought provoking that I decided to share my response with everyone.  Well, everyone who actually reads my little old blog  🙂 

First, I think when women get pregnant they always feel that the father will step up to the plate and be there, whether that’s wishful thinking or not.  I’ve seen how some women can push a man away and sometimes the man is just a deadbeat.  And I definitely don’t think you have to be married to be good parents but if you’re in a good marriage you should thank the Lord that you got it right because life as a parent should be much easier for you on many levels.  Wow, how many dysfunctional marriages do you know of!  I can count the ones I admire on a few fingers.  But people will pat couples on the back because they stay together.  I’ve never understood that.  They could be giving each other hell at home, we don’t know.  I assume that’s a religion thing. I’m not am extremely religious person so some standards are hard for me to process I guess.  I know I just got a bunch of moans and groans but that’s ok too.

For most people I know, I can’t say that single parenthood has become an acceptable standard (meaning they don’t plan for it) but I do think that “old-fashioned ways” are long gone.  Let’s face it, our society is just as sexually charged as it’s ever been, even though we are much more open about it, but we don’t get married at 17 anymore and couples surely don’t get married because they get pregnant.  50 years ago those things were common.  Plus, then, marriage consisted of a man going to work and providing financially and the woman stayed home to raise the kids.  I don’t care if he locked her in the closet on Thursdays and mentally tore her down on Saturdays, she was there smiling with dinner on the table at 6:00.  That doesn’t happen nearly as much as it used to either.  There are so many underlying factors to consider that I don’t think we know how to apply old values to new circumstances.  There was a time when people stayed together because there was a different stigma associated with divorce or a woman couldn’t make it on her own because she had very little opportunities.  But is it good to go through life being foney, unhappy and unfulfilled just because it looks better to stick to a decision you made?  I suppose that’s an individual decision.  I only knew one grandparent growing up but I was raised in a two parent home and I’m a single parent.  But even though were aren’t in the same home I don’t parent alone.  There is a big difference between being a single parent and being the only parent. 

People crave the X-Y union but they are unsuccessful at finding it because we don’t know themselves.  We just want somebody, anybody.  People don’t know their faults or see the importance of improving them.  We don’t know what we have to offer or what we truly need from a companion other than sex, validation and a hand-holder at the church picnic.  We settle and then we get bit in the butt later and still don’t chastise ourselves.  We’re too busy loving ourselves and smothering ourselves with kindness.  And it’s not because we’re stupid but it’s because the people who understand the facts can’t teach.  They try to teach a simple struggling man in the same way they would discuss a topic with a highly educated/worldly man and then wonder why the simple man doesn’t “get it”, why he doesn’t just see the light and help himself.  It reminds me of a story my Mama told me once  about her first year at a desegregated school as a teenager.  She told me that the teachers not only displayed an I don’t care about you attitude but they often said, “I already have mine and it’s up to you to get yours”.  What kind of crap is that to tell someone you are supposed to be helping.  But our society is like that.  It’s an “I got mine so you should be able to figure out how to get yours” kind of world.   IF YOU’RE NOT INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO LEARN THE GAME AND BEAT THE HELL OUT OF IT THEN IT’S YOUR FAULT.  That’s the message I’m getting.  I know I’ve gotten a little off the subject and I’m rambling but it just goes to show that there are so many factors against us and not enough for us.  We can’t watch our old VHS tapes on a Blu-Ray player and we can’t live this current life like our last generation did.

I don’t think older generations had to live a perfect life to have a positive effect on future generations but they must pass down the lessons they learned from their own failures and experiences so we don’t make the exact same mistakes and unconsciously pass them to our children.  That’s obviously not happening.  Everybody wants to look perfect even when they aren’t because “you know how people talk and get in your business”.  I know this post is full of “I thinks”, but this whole blog is about “I think”.  🙂  Anyway, I’m constantly under construction and changing everyday so thanks for listening and reading.  🙂

Please read Chris’s original comment at https://chickunderconstruction.wordpress.com/2010/07/24/lets-just-raise-our-kids-right/#comments

  1. Chris Carlisle
    July 28, 2010 at 9:23 PM

    Thank you for your thoughtful, gentle and well spoken response Kimeko.

    YES the sex drive is a ubiquitous and powerful influence, YES access to money and resources can poorly govern choices in a bad marriage, YES it’s true that people don’t know what they don’t know, YES it’s true that “the system” says learn how to play the game and GET YOUR’s by any means necessary else it’s your own fault for losing.

    And at the end of the day, either (1) we’ve chosen based on conviction, or else (2) chosen based on our circumstances. To postpone indefinitely a decision big or small rather than to make a choice is not an out; it is still choosing what’s behind door #2. Not even the rich get to opt out as time moves on.

    Character development in an evolving world calls for what’s behind door #1. I’m just as guilty as anybody of door #2 living sometimes, but there is a moment of choice between stimulus and response. It comes down to: (a) who are we accountable to, and (b) what is the plan that’s in our playbook ? Lack of accountability and / or an insufficient plan is the path to door #2 every time. How well I know that path, sigh.

    Having shared that, I suppose that “religion” offers much needed borders and limits. It’s a system for social and family order. It presents the possibility for having fixed absolutes that stand up to time, in a human world that is otherwise defined by what is merely relative (at a particular moment).

    Not to be critical, but a society that enjoys “normalcy” has baselines that are anchored somewhere. And because there are still enough people around with “religion” in the US, there is enough “normalcy” so that the door #2 folks can still live with some sense that what’s “relative” is mostly “okay”. But based on the power that Mass Media has over the american psyche these days, and that people are now products of an education system that’s carved out God from the schools and shifted away from a responsible view of american history, what is “relative” is about to take the door #2’ers to some rather unsavory places.

    Dante’s Inferno and Pilgrim’s Progress are fun reads in this regard.

    I’ve shared this final sentiment before in the recent past: pick a team and then play on that team. America is the land of the free and home of the brave. Equal *opportunity* for all — not necessarily equal outcomes. So I’d rather be on a winning team to improve the odds for my outcomes, than to go it alone.

    Peace & Blessings, Christopher

  2. Chris Carlisle
    July 28, 2010 at 9:46 PM

    1 more thing: on the concern of mate selection and marriage failure.

    21st century Christians can take some notes from their more conservative brethren. Kids stay home until marriage and they focus on community to better facilitate the mate selection process with minimal risk. They don’t “date”. They either associate in groups or they “court” — but only after approval from the parents.

    Contrast this with the “dating” scene. Kids today are on their own by the mid-20’s, and higher living standards allow people to incubate and evolve well into their 30’s before their personality and worldview stabilizes. Factor in lack of a clear framework where things are “relative” and the risks start to go up drastically.

    Our social evolution now demands that we revisit and redefine exactly what are effective “family controls” so that we can control the risk to our children during this later crucial life stage. Lifespans and timetables for growth stages have increased, and we are now turning our children loose into the world too soon.

    • July 29, 2010 at 12:18 PM

      Chris, I totally agree! Our children are growing up too fast but they aren’t maturing at the same rate. I grew up fast because I had to but that’s definitely not something that I would recommend. Let’s face it, parents are in a hurry to get the kids out of the house for one reason or another 🙂 Even if they haven’t prepared them to leave. Again, if we don’t fix the mindset of parents, myself included, our children will be just like us and the generational curse will continue. I don’t think there is a one size fits all answer though. Everyone has to use his or her gifts to make a difference, whether it’s preaching, mentoring, teaching, coaching, loving, or embracing. WE have to look out for US if we care about the future of our society. If we aren’t a part of the solution we can’t complain or shake our heads in disgust.

      If you have any good books I’d like to borrow them!

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